Shirt Tales

The other day at work (and by the other day, I mean back in May), I had to designate experts for trial; it sounds good, but it was me helping the paralegal put “Plaintiff’s Exhibit ‘A’” on expert reports. Good fun. This involved a bunch of piles of paper on the floor which I had to lean over a pick up. Our chairs are designed with an inexplicable (though someone will likely explic it) bulge near the bottom. It isn’t a gentle lumbar-shaped buldge, but a sharp jutting-out. This pulled on the back of my shirt, so that every ten or minutes, I ended up with a Kelso tuck. As much fun as it is to look like Big Randy the Baby Daddy, I didn’t think the look was for me (I don’t roll like Kelso). This made me have to constantly look around before sticking my hand down the back of my pants to fix them (at least my shirt stayed tuck in the front).

Another fun situation happened earlier this week when I went to the bathroom (I know that sentence looks bad, but deal with it). I went to the sink to wash my hands and apparently leaned against the counter in the process. Little did I know, but someone had splashed so much water onto the counter that there was standing puddle; it looked like someone tried to baptize a cat. This caused a lovely dark, wet spot right across the front of my pants, just a little bit below the waist. I don’t know much about the practice of law, but I’m pretty sure being branded a pants wetter is a bad thing. To say the least, it won’t make me seem more like Miles Davis. This left me with the Hobbsean choice between violating every law in the business-casual universe by covering the spot with my shirt tail, or looking like a big-better, bed-wetter like Cory Cougar. I ultimately decided to opt for the sloppy-but-in-control-of-my-bladder look. If someone saw me and got mad about my shirt, they might confront me, allowing me to disarm them with the witty story you are now reading. If someone saw me and thought I had gone number one on myself, they probably would have said nothing, told everyone about the incident, fire me and burn my chair.

In addition to my pointless blather, I have an interesting medical fact. When reading a case about a guy faking an injury to sue an airline, the case stated that a doctor had treated Mr. Robinson for cervical injuries when he was a child. This, much to my surprise, referred to neck problems. I want to give credit to Mandrew for having the courage/lack of foresight to put “cervical” into a google search on his work computer (unlike you slackers at the “God-forsaken hell-hole” DA’s office or the Valley, which actually is Hell, they monitor our internet traffic).

sick redux

I was sick for a while up to about a week ago. I think I’m getting sick again now (gah! freaking idiot!). At least this is a new illness; my lymph nodes are swollen, my head hurts and my sinus is congested. It almost feels like the ole mono is coming back. Between this, registration and fall recruiting fever (only three more months to go), I may slow down a bit in the posting.

While I’m bothering to do something semi-productive, Andrew has again requested a new nick-name; if we’re going to be moot-court partners (more on that in a bit), he’ll need something more menacing than “runs like a girl.” I’m thinking “the Animal,” “Flash” or even “El Tigre Del Diablo.” Whatever the name, we’ll crush the Patrick/Jape and Darcy/Elizabeth teams beneath our jack-boots (I’ll need to buy some jack-boots) and laugh. Even if we don’t march over them like they’re the French Army (from 1870, 1914 or 1940; take your pick), it should at least be entertaining.

new wife

I’m pleased to announce that I have a new wife. Lauren “I’d rather go to Iraq than the kitchen” is gone and Lauren “are you sure you don’t want me to cook some more chicken?” has replaced her. A few days ago she, completely randomly, decided she wanted to cook something. She seemed to enjoy herself, because she loves it now. After standing all day at work, she spent hours making what appears to be a metric ton of fruit salad. The up side is that she can cook healthy food; this will greatly aid Operation Live Past 45. With her help and some luck, I might not have the heart attack until I see the top of the hill. She’ll probably stop cooking once she realizes that I’m postponing her exclusive control of our money, the life insurance payout and her second husband Marco the pool-boy. Until then, I’ll enjoy the new wife.

Congrats Gardale and Corey

[redacted]

If you find the cached version of this, the post was made in jest after an attempt to embarrass Corey while talking to a waitress. Please ignore.

The bluebook is great, and Terrell is not

I was looking through the bluebook today while checking a fellow law clerk’s citations (I check everyone’s cites and give them grades on their papers; the one today was the highest yet at A-) when I came across the funniest thing in the bluebook. They use a lot of example cases to illustrate rules, all of which I assumed were real. Today, however, I found the rule dealing with omission of “the” in a case name; as you all know, you retain “the” if it is a part of the party’s proper name. To show the point, they used Czervik v. The Flying Wasp.

For those of you who are unenlightened, Czervik was Rodney Dangerfield’s character in the 1980 epic Caddyshack, while The Flying Wasp was Judge Smails’ boat. As we all know, Czervik destroyed Smails’ boat, so I guess the outcome of Czervik v. The Flying Wasp is obvious. It wouldn’t surprise me if this example has been in the bluebook since 1982 and no one on the editorial board even knows its in there; after all, how may Caddyshack quoters could there be on the Columbia Law Review today?

Now for the Terrell rumor of the day. Just a note, these are entirely speculative and this post should not be considered any more than conjecture and opinion. It does not imply the existence of facts, and any such implications are explicitly disclaimed. According to a source near to a source close to South Texas professor (no, its not Stevenson), Terrell isn’t coming back at all. His summer classes were cancelled and he isn’t on the fall schedule; the word on the street is that he’s gone forever. This same source also says that the likely outcome of all of this is going to be a choice between one’s grade and pass/fail.

The next bit-o-Terrell gossip comes from one of Rensberger’s current Property II students for the summer session. Last night, a student in his class asked him what was going on with Terrell, to which the Dean responded “we’re working on it.”

Later, I intercepted (read: was handed a copy of) an email from the ring leader of the § C “give me pass/fail or give me death” movement. He apparently met with Rensberger either today or yesterday. Ole Renny said that Terrell is the only professor who has yet to turn in his grades (apparently there is a delay between turning the grades in and their being processed, but the registrar’s website looks like a good half dozen profs are late). The school has purportedly tried to call Terrell several times, but to no avail. Apparently, the school has had no contact with and has no idea where Terrell is (I guess the administration doesn’t hang out in strip clubs, otherwise they would have found him by now). This fits with the “we’re working on it” statement, as it seems the Terrell situation is in limbo. As a result, I’m optimistic that the school hasn’t emailed me back on the Terrell issue, as it seems that they are genuinely unsure of their response. A pass/fail option would make me happier than George Bailey on Christmas.

Terrell Schmerrell

During finals, I planned on writing a letter to the school complaining about ole Buford. Recently, several people have asked about that letter, so here it is. I encourage all who agree with it to email it to Rensberger (jeffrens –at- stcl.edu). Feel free to edit and change it to suit your individual taste and preferences. If you are so inclined, point others to this post so that they too can complain about Buford “the shart” Terrell. With any luck and a large response, the school might help us out like his students from last fall (they could choose between their grade and pass/fail).


Dear Dean Rensberger:

I am writing this email to express my concern regarding Professor Terrell's Property I exam for Section B. My concerns are best grouped into three categories: Terrell's giving exam questions to Langdell students, the form of the exam and the content of the exam.

After taking the exam, I learned Professor Terrell had included several questions previously given to his Langdell class. Estimates of how many such questions were included range from six to twelve of a sixty-question exam. Whatever the number, my understanding is that professors are strictly forbidden from giving exam questions to Langdell classes; this understanding is based on specific comments made by Dean Alfini at a lunch meeting with LRW II sections. If there is in fact a policy or rule against such giving of questions, then a significant percentage (10%-20%) of Professor Terrell's exam consisted of illegitimate questions.

My next major point of contention with the exam is Professor Terrell's choice to make the exam "open computer." Students were allowed to access anything on their computer, unencumbered by ExamSoft; the only limitation was that students could not access the internet. I was of the understanding that the school's exam policy only allowed the use of a computer in conjunction with ExamSoft. The Registrar’s on-line guideline regarding computer use during finals, signed by Dean Pilkington and located at http://www.stcl.edu/registrar/registrar1/examsoft.htm, reads as follows: “The only laptops allowed in examination rooms are those being used for taking final exams with the ExamSoft software.” Such a flagrant violation of exam procedures undermines the strength of the rules and made it impossible for a student to truthfully sign the pledge sheet.

My final concern deals with the actual content of Professor Terrell's exam. Several answers directly contradicted his in-class lecturing. In class, we would often engage in detailed hypotheticals on interesting and developing areas of the law. I feel that such discussions were the high-point of Professor Terrell's class. At the close of these discussions, he would tell us that the answer to the question discussed was either state-specific or still developing. On his exam, he questioned us on several of these hypothetical situations, asking us what was either the "best" or "most likely" outcome. This would not be a problem on an essay test, but it is very difficult to answer such a question on a multiple choice test. In class, he would stress that something was still “in-the-air” and undecided by the courts, yet he would expect us to predict the outcome on his multiple choice exam. There were at least six such questions that, based on his class lectures, are impossible to answer with any degree of certainty.

In addition to his questions contradicting his own lectures, Professor Terrell also asked questions contradicting the correct and actual law of property. Over the course of the semester, Professor Terrell taught several, perhaps a half-dozen, rules that are directly contradicted by writings on the subject of Property. These aren't mere disagreements over controversial points of law; Professor Terrell often flew in the face of unanimous authority. When asked about this in class, he stated that the other professors were simply wrong in their treatises and horn-books. Professor Terrell would have us believe that every single book on property, including the case book he assigned, is incorrect, and only he knows the true rule. He then proceeded to place at least four of these issues on the exam; he forced us choose between the answer he felt is correct and the actual correct answer.

I am not sure what, if any, remedial action the school should take. I do, however, urge the school to take some action. The exam procedures are intended to be rules that guide the students and the faculty so as to ensure a fair and efficient awarding of grades. Violating those rules seriously undermines their purposes and effectiveness, as it deprives students of protections afforded by the rule and encourages all, students and faculty alike, to take liberties with these and other rules and policies. Furthermore, remedial action by the school would not be unprecedented after the fall semester incident with Professor Terrell. My understanding is students were ultimately given the choice to receive either a grade or pass/fail credit. I feel the relief given to those students is fair and should be considered for the students of Professor Terrell's Spring 2005 Section B students.

car trouble

I’m driving home from work when I’m on the 610-45 interchange. I hear a popping sound, and suddenly my accelerator pedal feels strange. It feels really far back and pressing it doesn’t make the car go much faster. I manage to get down 45 and exit. While I’m sitting at a traffic light somewhat near my apartment, I look down at the pedal; it’s back against the floor board and at a 45º angle. I’m pretty sure this is not right, so I lightly press my foot against the side of the pedal in an attempt to straighten it. The pedal then starting swinging like a pendulum and simply fell off onto the floorboard. I’m certain this is bad. I manage to idle into a parking lot and, accelerator pedal in hand, call a tow truck. Twenty four hours and $150 later, it was reattached and seems to be fully functional.

In other news, why is the Registrar’s office posting grades on a weekend? They’re in serious danger of doing work. I’d like to give a slow clap to Steneiner for almost getting his multiple choice test graded within the one month barrier.

I’m still sick (and finally staying home from work), so this will be brief. With the posting of Kat’s grades, this makes the last two tests the multiple choice ones. I’m sure we expected this all along from Stoner Buford, but I figured Steniener would be too anal to leave the grades out so long. I’ve found several people who support the theory that he is taking so long with the grading simply because he wants to screw with us. He has the power to make us suffer and waint, and he’s taking advantage of that power. What a tool.

Also, its Monday morning, and the winners are “Runs Like a Girl” and “Cries at Night.” I’m also decreeing the name Particle “don’t trust me, I’m a liar” Man.

meh

It has come to my attention that I haven’t posted anything in a while. You asked for it, so here goes.

responses to comments

Josiah: a valid point on your not posting. That’s the pot calling the kettle a lazy bum. Or something like that. Commie.

RHM: you should be happy that I’m not aiding and abetting your slacking. With my help, you’ll soon become a true Stakhonovite.

Particleman: you’re absolutely right: you aren’t paying me the dollar. As noticed to you by electronic mail, I have assigned the right to collect your debt to Robert “Gardale the Gator” Hatley. You owe him the dollar (and he promised never to take my seat.

You are claiming that I don’t owe you the dollar because you gave me helpful directions to work. First of all, you I did not ask for said directions, you conferred the alleged benefit by your own volition. That makes you an officious intermeddler and you cannot set off the value of the advice from the debt. Furthermore, By leaving early and not accidentally getting on 90 (don’t ask how), I’m managing an efficient commute without abandoning the venerable 610.

Stevo: you must offer your ADR services to Gardale; it’s his account receivable now. On the subject, I hate ADR people. What is the point of going to law school only to use your degree to professionally ask “can’t we all just get along?” You’re going to law school to learn rules of law and how to make a logical argument in support of your interpretation of that rule, or at least to interpret the rule of law to advise others in their actions. ADR people are like child-psychologists (don’t get me started on those) with JDs; I’m surprised they don’t try to get the parties to release their aggressions by hitting each other with foam bats. If any of you want to be ADR people after graduation, please spare me the time and give yourself a wedgie.


grades

I don’t think I’ll post about grades until I get them all. Even then I doubt I will.


work

I “work” for two attorneys. One of them is a nice guy, but a crappy delegator; as such, he doesn’t give me much to do. The other lawyer is in charge of the Phen-Fen pretrial stuff and doesn’t do much case-specific stuff. The upside about not doing case-specific is that I don’t have to do deposition summaries; the down-side is that I work exclusivally on the only thing common to all of the pre-trial claims: discovery issues. I’ve already written more memoranda than I’d care to remember about each and every Federal Rule of Civil Procedure that mentions, implies or causes one to reminisce about the work “deposition.”

While blazing through the ever-so-interesting FRCP and the also intriguing cases interpreting the same, I check my grades. Constantly. At first I averaged (and I’m not joking, you can ask Andrew “runs like a girl” Pearce) a refresh of the grade checking site every 90-120 seconds. After the incident with Kelso (don’t get me started on that guy), I’ve lost some enthusiasm and only check every five minutes or so.

Last week, the attorney who doesn’t assign me much gave me a fair amount to research by the next day (I can’t give away work-product information, but it involved me reading over 600 pages that day). I managed to finish at about 9:30 that night after a 13 hour shift. When I left, all of the normal people from the firm were gone and only the cleaning crew was left. As I came into the lobby, they were sitting on the couches talking to each other, but looked like they were going to crap their pants when someone opened the door. After five seconds of stunned silence, they saw that I’m only twelve years old and continued talking. When I went to the time-clock room to clock out, I found that the door was locked; the clock is in the supply room and there’s a history of the cleaning crew stealing anything that isn’t bolted to the wall. I didn’t clock out, so, when I arrived the next day, I saw that I pulled a 23 hour shift.

The other day, neither attorney assigned me anything, so I went wandering around looking for a lawyer to annoy. Just my luck, I ran into Mr. Fleming (an important guy at Fleming & Associates). He asked me what I was working on, so I ratted out my attorneys, saying that neither were at work yet and I was doing nothing. I not sure which would have smarting: having my direct supervisor mad at me or the guy whose name is on the letterhead. I finally found someone to give me work, and managed to work the rest of the day on a response to a summary judgment motion. I turned it in the next day and planned on asking my regular attorneys for work; the new guy, however, took the response to check it and handed me another to work on. It’s now been almost a week since I did any work for my assigned attorneys. I hope they don’t get too mad.

Now that I’m out of academia and in the real world, I’m not fond of what I’m seeing. People are writing with poorly structured sentences, misusing emphasis and, most disconcerting of all, completely disregarding the bluebook. Not only does one of the guys at the firm mess up virtually every single citation he does, he “corrected” my proper citations. I’m sorry, but a direct quote doesn’t need a “see” before it, the regional reporter goes before the state reporter and a short citation requires the word “at” before the pin-point citation. Seriously people, it’s not that difficult.

movies

The new Star Wars wasn’t anywhere near as good as I’d hoped. I could probably write for several hours on the subject, especially the anti-Bush line (which doesn’t logically fit with the plot, as Obi-Wan’s “the dark side is always bad, whatever the motive for it’s use” mentality is inarguably and absolute). Pretty much everyday the wife and I watch either Team America: World Police or Napoleon Dynamite.


everything else

Greenspan said we have enough oil to last my lifetime, so I can cancel the Oregon Compound (I'll still by the dozen or so assault rifles however). Shelby just peed on the my shirt. I’m sick. That’s pretty much it.